I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
