drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
