it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize