The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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