Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
