I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
