all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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