i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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