went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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