She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
