Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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