ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
