I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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