There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
