You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
