Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
