im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
