It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
