Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Randomize
