hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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