I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
