But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
