i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
