After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
