do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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