I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize