Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
