so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize