wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
