he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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