God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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