Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
