I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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