And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm way too hungover for life right now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
