Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
