If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
