She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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