my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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