all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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