Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We don't watch enough power rangers
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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