I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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