I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
