You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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