I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
