If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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