can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
