We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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