Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you traded sex for a burrito?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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