I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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