Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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