come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just found puke in my bra..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have feelings that need drinking.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
