I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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