how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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