Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
