Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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