Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
