omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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