A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
honey bunches of taint.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
