I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
